I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
my poor anus
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
