I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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