i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
