Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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