Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
