Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
