I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
birth control should be required to get into college
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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