Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
