I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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