wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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