i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
