i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
