if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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