I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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