i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
