I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The beer is more important than you right now.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
