let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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