Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
