is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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