You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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