I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So vagazzling was a success
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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