I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
