Sry I called you an 8
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
