when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
