my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
