Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
