also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
