Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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