Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
