Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
