So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
