dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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