Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
