I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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