I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
