Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
