My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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