Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
