We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
