Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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