she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
