Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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