Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
