I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
