i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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