i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
