Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
