No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
my nose is crying tears of wow.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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