i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I think my fart just growled at me.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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