JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
