So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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