I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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